LetterstoLaila

Tuesday   F ebruary 2024 There were two Tuesdays that were significant to you.    There was the day we drove to Bristol to get the answers to the many questions we had and there was the day we were discharged from the hospital, without you.    I am sorry baby girl, but we weren’t thinking “positive” thoughts, or hoping for miracles that day. I think deep down we already knew what the answers would be, but we were told to go there and find out what the experts would say, so we did. They were the specialists who could confirm what they weren’t able to tell us in Exeter. They would tell us exactly how poorly your heart was and what they could do for you. We’d waited 5 long days for this appointment. 5 days in a suspended reality, not able to relax, to plan or to live. We were just waiting. We didn’t feel any better after that appointment. It was worse.    I remember feeling so sick on the drive. I sat in the passenger seat, reading up on the anatomy...

  Monday   February 2024 Monday will always be the day I gave birth to you. It will be the day we met you. But we didn’t take you home with us and we never saw your smile.    You were brought to us, in a little basket, wrapped beautifully in two blankets: the one I finished early for you and one donated to the hospita l for babies like you. Giving birth to you was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Giving birth to your sister wasn’t easy, but giving birth to you hurt me so much more. You arrived at 3:30 in the morning. I was holding your daddy’s hand and being looked after by a lovely woman called Alison. She told me I was brave. Your daddy told me he was proud of me. It was so hard for me, knowing that I had to stop growing you. I didn’t feel brave or strong. I wish I could have kept you growing in me.    When we met you later that day, I’d had some sleep and a shower. I put on your daddy’s favourite dress. I wanted to look nice to meet ...

 Thursday February 2024 Thursday will always be the day that it all came crashing down around us. The appointment was at 12:30 and I had a lot to do that morning but nothing went to plan. I was anxious. Your sister was poorly. Preschool rang me and I spent time trying to make sure she was ok and organise a GP appointment for after our scan. I didn’t know how bad our own appointment would be and how much it would affect the rest of the day and the rest of our lives.    We sat in the waiting room, with the fish tank. I was replying to work emails on my phone, your daddy was replying to work emails on his laptop. We both kept ourselves busy. I was excited about seeing you again, getting another photo and having a specialist tell us that everything would be ok. I didn’t expect her to tell us that everything wasn’t ok and would doubtfully ever be. She spent a bit of time looking at your other organs before she looked at your heart and she gave nothing away. I laid there looki...