LetterstoLaila

Tuesday   F ebruary 2024 There were two Tuesdays that were significant to you.    There was the day we drove to Bristol to get the answers to the many questions we had and there was the day we were discharged from the hospital, without you.    I am sorry baby girl, but we weren’t thinking “positive” thoughts, or hoping for miracles that day. I think deep down we already knew what the answers would be, but we were told to go there and find out what the experts would say, so we did. They were the specialists who could confirm what they weren’t able to tell us in Exeter. They would tell us exactly how poorly your heart was and what they could do for you. We’d waited 5 long days for this appointment. 5 days in a suspended reality, not able to relax, to plan or to live. We were just waiting. We didn’t feel any better after that appointment. It was worse.    I remember feeling so sick on the drive. I sat in the passenger seat, reading up on the anatomy...

 Saturday Saturday   February 2024 Nothing significant happened on this day. The first Saturday we were just in waiting mode. We were waiting to speak to the specialists in Bristol. We decided to try to have a “normal” weekend, whatever that meant. Your sister spent some time with Nana, and mummy and daddy tried to distract themselves with other things. We seemed to be in a suspended reality: nothing felt normal, but we weren’t ready to settle into something really being wrong. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach all weekend, yet every time you kicked me, I wondered if it was all just a strange dream. Nothing felt real.    The following Saturday, it very much felt real. We were still in a weird state of being: playing a different kind of waiting game. The day before, I had taken a pill to end my pregnancy. Today I was carrying you, knowing I would feel your kicks for the last time tonight.    Again, we tried to have a “normal” day. We tried to keep th...